| by sufjan stevens
http://www.beeseemediagroup.co.uk/covernight/audio/I'll.do.anything.for.you.mov
tehee. public humiliation ain't so bad. |
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| GOT TO GET YOU INTO MY LIFE
! |
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| i've moved out of my relative's homes and lives, probably for the rest of a very long time.
somehow i've managed to find a home, with coffee, yellow curtains in a sun room, extra knitted afghans, and lapsang souchong brewing in a tea pot over a candle.
a single candle for a single pot, just so that a single person will not be left out
singularity can be beautiful when served for a whole.
i have no more to say, just that, once again, i've found love in strangers and strangers in love
i haven't felt this way since i was home
still about 5519 miles away from here. |
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| yesterday i woke up to my granny spreading marmalade on my toast.
yesterday i was ushered into a car by my aunt, summoned for a meeting by my grandad.
i was flattered, felt honoured even..
"i guess he must've missed me, huh"
(silence)
we pulled into the cobblestone driveway leading to the farmhouse with all it's grandeur and familiarity comforting me, guiding me back into that easy smile i was so used to wearing around them.
this was the place i had spent so many weeks walking around, touching the gilded mirrors and staring at the chandeliers, wondering how every little thing managed to stay in it's place without moving an inch, despite the earth spinning around so fast over all those years.
surely something would get thrown out of place
or did gravity not have a hold here?
it seemed magical
too good to be true.
i was right, it was too good to be true.
the constancy, the identical inflections in their voices as they greeted me with supposed happiness and warmth..
it all served to bring me to that house, that morning, to the same people i had associated with hill farm my whole life.
grandad. jenny. aunty heather was there as well.
it was the same setting but a different act, everyone sitting rigidly in the wrong seats. even i felt displaced from my usual spot on the couch and walked hesitantly, quietly, towards the stiff armchair everyone knew was there for show.
mild conversation
5 minutes
thick silence
5 seconds
"they kept my daughter away from me for 4 years"
"they purposely placed this program over a stretch of time so that you would miss two years of school and never go back"
"your father kicked you out of the house because you weren't a good enough moonie"
"you are a lovely young lady and we don't want you to end up unhappy and bitterly regretful like your mother"
"she could have been anything"
"what good has come out of her life?"
....'me?'
(silence)
"why are we crying here?"
'bye grandad'
i'm reading anti-moonie propaganda my granny gave me
it's called "heavenly deception" by chris elkins
i wonder if his family ever sat him down in the sitting room and told him the people he was forever drawn to, people he loved, were inherently evil and had a malicious intent to ruin his life.
i'm going to keep reading and find out. |
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